Ah, the winter holidays! That magical time of year when streets are aglow, fireplaces crackle, and your cousin Susan insists on serving mulled wine that could double as jet fuel. For many, the festive season is a heady blur of eggnog, brandy-infused puddings, and something mysteriously named “Holiday Cheer” that seems to be 80% ethanol and 20% regret.
Yes, it’s a season for joy, goodwill, and perhaps most importantly, moderation—a concept that feels about as welcome during Christmas as a snowblower in the Bahamas. But, fear not! There are ways to navigate the wintry tides of merriment without transforming into a wobbly, red-faced decoration someone forgot to hang on the tree.
Step One: The Art of Not Drinking Like a Reindeer
Reindeer, despite their glowing PR image, do not drink alcohol. They stick to moss, which, while undeniably less festive, also means they never wake up with antlers full of regret. This is a good starting point. If you find yourself on your third glass of wine before the turkey’s even been carved, perhaps pause and consider that you are not, in fact, a sleigh-pulling mammal in need of liquid courage.
A handy rule: Alternate alcoholic drinks with water. Water, as it turns out, is excellent at keeping humans hydrated and surprisingly bad at giving them karaoke-induced shame spirals.
Step Two: Avoid the Festive Illusion of Bottomless Glasses
One of the great mysteries of the holidays is how drinks refill themselves without human intervention. You take a sip of wine, and whoosh, someone—usually an aunt, occasionally an overzealous friend—is there with a bottle and a smile that says, “Just a splash more?” It’s like living inside a magical refilling cauldron.
The trick here is to be assertive. “No, thank you,” is an excellent phrase. “I’m pacing myself,” works too. And if that fails, you can always distract your would-be refiller with a strategically-timed discussion about politics or pineapple on pizza. They’ll back away slowly.
Step Three: Know Thy Festive Limits
Understanding your own tolerance for alcohol is vital during the holidays. If two beers turn you into a philosopher poet and three inspires you to do a sobbing rendition of Taylor Swift's “Anti-Hero,” consider keeping it to two. There’s nothing wrong with being merry without toppling into too merry. Remember, there’s a fine line between enjoying a drink and discovering the floor is now your closest confidante.
A good strategy: Plan your drinks in advance. If you know you’re going to three gatherings in one week, you can spread out your indulgence rather than treating each event like a tequila marathon.
Step Four: Eat, For Heaven’s Sake
Ah, food—the unsung hero of responsible drinking. Eating before and during your drinking escapades helps slow alcohol absorption. Luckily, the winter holidays provide a veritable smorgasbord of snacks. Pies, cheese boards, roasts, and strange-but-delicious dips abound. Consider them your armor against the onslaught of liquid merriment.
A cheese platter is not just a tasty snack; it’s a shield. Use it wisely.
Step Five: Remember the Point of It All
Ultimately, the holidays are about connection, joy, and finding creative ways to tolerate your uncle’s stories about his sciatica. Drinking responsibly means you’ll actually remember the laughter, the warmth, and the ridiculous paper hats. Plus, you’ll avoid waking up in January wondering why you smell faintly of cinnamon and regret.
So, sip thoughtfully, laugh abundantly, and remember: There’s nothing quite as festive as being able to greet the new year with dignity, clarity, and the smug knowledge that you navigated the holidays like a responsible, fully-functional human being.
And that, my friends, is a feat worth toasting.
CHEERS!!!